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Author Topic: Asking for Help  (Read 279 times)

nitasmile

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Asking for Help
« on: July 05, 2018, 09:51:56 pm »
Hi!! It has been so long since I posted here or else anything! I do miss the old Nauvoo.
   Anyway, I was asked to teach the upcoming for Sunday on one of the ministering topics. They let me pick the topic and I chose the topic about the Savior wants us to accept the ministering of others. I will come back in the comments and post a link about that topic. But in preparing for this lesson, I would love to hear your thoughts on why you might sometimes find it hard to ask for or accept the help of others. I think there are so many barriers that can make it hard for us to accept help at times or ask probably need it. What are blessings that you have learned from serving others or allowing others to serve you?
   For those of you who are good at asking for help when you need it, how did you learn this? Has it always been easy for you?
  I look forward to your thoughts! Thanks!!
 
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Curelom

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2018, 10:35:28 pm »
Hi, Nita - nice to see you!

I think one big reason Church members are reluctant to accept help (let alone come out & ask for any) is that we emphasize self-reliance so much. It's a two-edged sword. We're supposed to be able to take care of ourselves & our families, rely on the Lord, & not be a burden on other people - but then leaders & teachers turn around & tell us we are blessed or bless others when we allow ourselves to receive service.

I don't know what the solution is.
 
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Roper

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2018, 11:58:20 pm »
Agreed.  I think another reason is that "help" has been an assignment--a service project--for a long time. People are really good at figuring out when someone really cares and when someone is doing it as an assignment.  Thankfully, that is changing with Pres. Nelson's leadership.  I pray he will live long enough to guide implementation.
 

cook

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2018, 04:57:48 am »
I always feel a bit guilty when accepting help is the topic. It kind if feels yet another thing to do.

Why haven't accepted much help - because I honestly don't feel like I've needed it.

When we had some yardwork doing we were happy to pay for some of our young men for doing it (thus helping them).

Every time a child was born we accepted meals even though I told the RS pres we didn't need it but if they felt the need to provide opportunities to serve, that'd be fine. After giving birth has always been the only time I've felt like I want to go running. I've been in a very good condition, with an able husband at home (they get paternity leave here) and money to buy ready made meals which we sometimes eat anyway.

I can't honestly think of any time I would have needed help. And if I do for smaller things -like getting a ride for my kids or something, I have no problem for asking it.

Would I like someone to come and do the laundry when it has piled up. No, because it has been a choice to let it pile up with a dh and kids old enough to do it.

With babysitting we've been happy to pay for it for the youth and we have family close by.

When my mum was dying of cancer, the Ward helped. When she was still able to write to me on my mission, or maybe it was in her journals where she shared how it was a bit hard that she had to comfort those who came to help.

I think for many the reason not to ask for help is bad experiences in asking and not receiving. You need only one of those to make it so much harder.
 
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cook

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2018, 06:13:45 am »
Just to add one more thing: I had one companion blow it at me one evening. How I would not allow her to serve me. Almost every night she had asked me if I would like a cup or caro or something else, a hot drink which she liked to drink. I always said no thank you, because at the time I really didn't like drinking anything hot or warm. She was offended that I had not allowed her to serve me in this way.

I've seen it happen so many times since. People are eager to serve in ways and at times that suit them. If it's not accepted, the interpretation is that the other party is unwilling or it is hard to accept help. Surprisingly rare is that people are willing to help in ways and at times the need is.
 
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Roper

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2018, 11:02:22 am »
One of the things I learned in Japan is that giving and receiving of gifts is an art form, with each side expressing a great deal of consideration for the other person.  In the U.S., giving and receiving gifts is often treated merely as business exchange. If you don't receive the gift you want, just exchange it for something else.  And I think giving gift cards is worse  than giving no gift at all.  They require almost zero thought and effort.  Sometimes, I think our unhealthy ideas about giving and receiving gifts influence the way we give and receive service.
 

nitasmile

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2018, 01:22:17 pm »
Thank you for all the wonderful thoughts so far I'm in the middle of my work day so I will respond later.
 
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dyany

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2018, 11:40:44 am »
My absolute favorite quote on the subject is from Brene Brown from her book "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" and here it is: 
Quote
Until we can receive with an open heart, we're never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.

Yes, the Church culture puts too much emphasis on self-reliance.  If we're good, we're self-reliant, right?  So those we serve--whether we think about this consciously or not--are somehow, subtly, less good.  It's extremely pernicious, especially because the gospel of Christ is ALL ABOUT receiving help from the Savior, not just at the end of our life to wipe out obvious sins, but at LEAST as much to help us NOW in overcoming our sins and weaknesses and shortcomings.  It's CONSTANT.  Too often we interpret the term "after" in the scripture "it is by grace we are saved, after all we can do" to mean time-wise, as in, once we are done, and we've done absolutely everything, THEN Christ comes in and cleans up the mess.  NO.  Christ is ALWAYS there, ALWAYS making up for our weaknesses and helping us to become more IN THE MOMENT.  He doesn't make every effort instantly have perfect (as in, flawless execution) results, but he makes it perfect (complete) for our learning and growth.
 
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Roper

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2018, 12:16:50 pm »
Woot!  Another Brene' Brown fan!

Sometimes, the "all we can do" part is reach up.

 
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nitasmile

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2018, 03:31:37 pm »
 what a wonderful quote, thank you Dyanny for sharing
 
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Jana at Jade House

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2018, 12:30:22 pm »
I do not ask for help because:
I am a little OCD and strangers and even family members do not put things where they belong and it is exhausting to track things down and put them away.
I have for instance informed everyone that I had two broken toes and Himself was traveling.  Not One Offer.  a week later when Himself was home and I could go up and downstairs again, did someone send a note...let us know if there is anything....
I give the impression I am able and can handle anything. This is a finely crafted facade that few people get to see behind....so that  is on me
I do not ask for help because I am tired and hurt and have a lot on my plate
I do not ask for help because I then feel beholden to others
I do not ask for help especially from my ward because no one really cares.  Now that my Hennie is dead, no one calls to find out if I am breathing.
I am a crochety old lady and just cannot arcrue any more unreliable people. It is easier to do without. It is easier to be independant and have no expectations of my brothers and sisters in Christ.
To be fair, the couple I could ask are way older than I am and live a half hour from me.  Neither is in good health and they already care for all the shut ins in the ward.. Nope, I will not ask them....
 
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palmetto_gal

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #11 on: July 09, 2018, 12:35:09 pm »
Jana dearest, I get what you're saying and I'm deeply saddened.  Prayers for you and prayers that the spirit of ministering will take hold in your unit.  Miracles do happen.
 
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Iggy

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #12 on: July 09, 2018, 12:55:23 pm »
It is a tricky thing for me to ask for help. First and only is because of Hubby. HE doesn't want anyone (sisters) over to see the mess that he makes.

I do have a sister from church come over- but I pay her- to clean my kitchen, vacuum the dining room-hallway-and bedrooms. Once every three months I have her clean the hall way bathroom/tub floors.

The last time I was in the hospital and came home to a FILTHY house, I gathered up enough clothes for three days and left. Stayed in a motel, and I called three of the toughest/grittiest sisters and pleaded with them to come over and clean before I came home again. Then I called Hubby and informed him what was going to happen and that he call Sister #1 when He was leaving the house so she could be there to get the house key from him.

Took the three of them 4 (yep FOUR) hours to clean up after him being home on his own for 5(five) days!! The 2 days in the motel was spent crying. For the most part, Hubby is a caring person. He just has NO clue how selfish it is to NOT pick up after himself. His Mother didn't train him up right. His Good Brother would have been the same way, except Wife #2 undid the bad Mom training. Too bad she couldn't have done that with my Hubby.

If it was just me alone, I would have no problem asking for help. When we had a Compassionate Service Leader, I told her what I could do and couldn't do to help others. Thus I was never in a position to say no.
 

Roper

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2018, 07:27:54 pm »
I think the guiding principle should always be inspiration.

Receiving service/help/ministering: I think it's selfish for people to refuse to receive help or to complain about receiving help because it's not in the form or in the manner they wanted it.

Giving service/help/ministering: I think it's selfish for people to refuse to give help or to complain about giving help because it's not in the form or the manner they wanted to give it.

Nobody is perfect about serving/helping/ministering.  We should graciously accept help even when it's not exactly what is needed. "In accepting a gift, you honor the giver." Likewise, we should always seek to understand the needs of others when giving help. I mean, if we're going to invest our time and talents, wouldn't we want it to be as meaningful as possible?  And when service is meaningful, it builds compassion, which in turn becomes the kind of ministering Christ taught his disciples. 
 
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nitasmile

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2018, 10:52:37 am »
Very true Roper!! You're so right about the importance of Inspiration. It's important to give and really think about what is needed to give instead of just giving what we want to give!
 
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