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Author Topic: Asking for Help  (Read 1000 times)

cook

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2018, 12:46:07 pm »
I do disagree with the receiving help bit. I agree with it when it's like someone needs a meal and they don't quite like what they get. But disagree when someone needs a meal and is offered that someone comes and helps you clear the (perceived clutter). Or when you need a ride to the doctors appointment on Tuesday and someone offers you a ride on a  Thursday 3 weeks from the appointment... I don't think one needs to be grateful for receiving something they are not in need of. You can be grateful for the person offering but you don't need to acceot the offer if it's no use for you or even causes you more stress and worsens the situation. I've seen that happen to people who are too nice to say no thank you.
 
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Roper

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2018, 04:17:20 pm »
People aren't mind readers. If you can't accept the service for whatever reason, then help them find another way.

"Thank you so much for the meal.  I don't need any help with organizing right now, but I could really use some help with..."
"Thank you for offering to take me to an appointment.  That day doesn't work, but I could use a help with a ride on..."

If the person can't help in that way, then they probably know someone who can.

When we receive service, it's likely that we are the answer to another person's prayer.
 

dyany

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #17 on: July 14, 2018, 04:54:59 pm »
I also disagree with the receiving help bit.  I'll tell you why.
A few years back, while I was just starting to recover my mental health and I was going to school to help recover, I was having a really hard time keeping up with the housework and my schoolwork.  So when my visiting teachers asked "is there anything we can do for you?" I said, YES, you can help me clean my kitchen.  They were obviously shocked and a little uncomfortable that I had responded with a request, but they rose to the occasion and scheduled time with me the next day to come by.  In the morning, they asked if they could bring others with them to help.  I was a little taken aback, but I agreed.  When they were here, they would not allow me into the kitchen. They said I needed to focus on my schoolwork, and since I had midterm papers coming due, so I didn't think much of it, and only occasionally checked in on them, though they were uncomfortable every time I did.  After they left, I found out why they were so uncomfortable having me there.  They decided that the way my husband and I keep our kitchen was unacceptable and I clearly was unable to make good decisions, so they threw out most of the items in our fridge (most of which were condiments that were perfectly fine), and a all our containers that my husband regularly used to bring leftovers in for lunch (he was LIVID).  Then one of them proceeded to immediately go to my neighbor's house (a friend of mine) and say, "how can you be friends with her?"

Now, maybe I'm selfish for thinking that wasn't in the form or manner I wanted to receive it.  But to me that wasn't charitable service.  That was judgment that took the form of imposing their obviously superior decisions on me and my household.  Then, immediately after I THANKED THEM and they said, "oh, no problem, it was our pleasure," they proceeded to SPREAD that judgment to people, to make sure they knew how horrible I was. 

I don't ask for help from my ward anymore.
 
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Roper

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #18 on: July 14, 2018, 05:45:25 pm »
I'm sorry it turned out that way, Dyany.  It sure sounds like the "helpers" were more interested in completing an assignment than they were in actually seeking to help.  They should have asked you for direction.  After all, it was your stuff.

Please don't let that bad experience be the example of all service.  I, too, have had a couple of bad experiences receiving help.  I have also had several really good experiences receiving help.  I think we're not especially good at this--receiving and giving and ministering.  Pres. Nelson's leadership is giving us opportunities to become better at it.
 

nitasmile

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #19 on: July 15, 2018, 02:51:15 am »
Dyanny, what is very sad experience, how unfortunate that your board members acted that way! Everyone runs together but were you on the original nsuvoo when Raro was there?? Your experience reminds me of something she wants shared. She had shared when she was going through cancer of how her Ward helped her with cleaning and things and how she felt completely judged and how they give her a hard time with some of how she manage things.

Saying this, in full disclosure, I do give a little bit of a hard time to an older lady and I go to help in our ward.She has clutter and throw rugs on her floor and leaves her cat water bowls all over the place at so I do bug her about safety issues because I don't want her to fall, and she has had several falls just in the last few weeks.
 
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dyany

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #20 on: July 15, 2018, 02:54:12 pm »
Roper, I've had separate, decent experiences with service.  I was using that experience mostly to illustrate that your blanket statement of "I think it's selfish for people to...complain about receiving help because it's not in the form or in the manner they wanted it" is not always true.  I think complaining CAN be selfish.  Sometimes we're just too picky and/or demanding.  And even if the core complaint isn't selfish, complaining can go too far.  But very often, the phrase "beggars can't be choosers" is rude and judgmental in and of itself.  We need to have true charity, and that means listening and not insisting that we will only give exactly how we think it should be done.
 
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Roper

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #21 on: July 15, 2018, 05:15:43 pm »
You're right, Dyany.  There are exceptions.  I made the statement based on my observations, which are hardly universal.  Over the past 20 years, I've served as a ward clerk three times and saw most of the financial help given to members. I was shocked at how often members would complain about the amount or the timing of help.  When I was in the bishopric, we would get complaints from members almost every week that the service they were getting from Relief Society sisters was inconvenient, etc. The sense of entitlement was staggering.  It was as if those receiving help didn't understand or care that other members were making sacrifices for them.  So that's where my statement came from.  I should have qualified it so it didn't come across as universal judgement.
 
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Roper

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Re: Asking for Help
« Reply #22 on: July 15, 2018, 05:30:53 pm »
As a people, we understand that opportunities to give service rarely come when it's convenient to give. We seem to accept that as part and parcel of discipleship.  However, we seem to have a hard time receiving service unless it's convenient.  I think that's a regrettable misunderstanding about discipleship.
 
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