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Author Topic: Should I or should I not  (Read 1555 times)


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Should I or should I not
« on: February 16, 2017, 02:39:36 pm »
So... we have this rather new RS president. She is the type of person who tends to do things herself and not delegate much. She seems to be very defensive when I talk about anything with her. I do understand being defensive when the issue was us the Primary bringing up some issues with her children (nothing bad, just asking to make sure the kids got to toilet first, because there was a time one of them always had to go to the toilet very soon we started...)

She has very good intentions. Her intention is to help sisters go to the temple. So we have this set once a month sisters temple night (we've had it twice now I think). I know there has been only one or two attending with her. I tried to ask her that maybe the day could be different at different months to make it possible for more sisters to attend. She made it clear that she wants it to be a specific day always, like the first wednesday of the month so that people can schedule and make sure they don't schedule anything else for that day. I was not able to attend so the way she said it actually sounded like I'm a bad person because I don't make sure I can attend that day.

The thing is, people have things they need to do that cannot be rescheduled. Many mothers have children with hobbies and if you have more than one child, most likely both you and the husband will need to be taking them to places. Many sisters work and to attend they would have to go to the temple straight from work. Many are too tired at that time or want to go and spend time with their children for the day. Many have smaller children whom they want to be in bed by the time the session ends, and the husbands don't get home until it's too late to leave to the temple. Or it just might be that they've taken a hobby of their own that just happens to be that night. So they go to the temple at times that suits them, is the easiest for them. Since there is no added benefit in attending the session together, when it is only attending the session, I don't see it as a bad thing that sisters choose to go when it's easiest for them, as long as they go.

And I'm wondering should I try to explain it more to her, so that she wouldn't feel too bad about sisters not attending and also that she wouldn't make others feel too bad about not attending that specific night.

Being so defensive, I fear she would take it as more criticism than as a suggestion that might get more sisters to attend at times...


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Re: Should I or should I not
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 04:39:25 pm »
first, are you one of her counselors? if not, then I would leave it alone.

are you her friend? then I would make the suggestion of trying other days, but if she is not willing to budge..leave it alone.

do you serve with her in ward council? if so, then maybe bring it up in ward council to see how the other auxilaries and the priesthood could help her achieve the goal of more sisters attending together.

She may feel that by attending the temple together it can bring the sisters closer in friendships if that is something lacking in your ward.

also, are you a former RSP? if so, leave it alone. Some new presidents don't like to be told how they should be doing their calling by former presidents. Each president needs to find their own way. Wait till she comes to you asking for advice, until then...leave it alone.


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Re: Should I or should I not
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2017, 01:27:38 am »
No, I'm not a counsellor, if I was, I think the issue would have been spoken about very early when the planning for the idea would have taken place.

I'm not a close friend, but I thought we get along fine.

I'm in the Primary Presidency, but the issue has not been discussed in the Ward council. There has been planning about Ward temple days though and our responsibility is to provide Primary activity day at the temple grounds so that babysitting is not an issue and parents can go together. Those will be on Saturdays.

There is always unity lacking in every ward in my opinion. Like I said, the intention is very good. From the cultural perspective, people don't feel just sitting in the session together creates any unity. Here you go straight to the telestial roon after you've changed clothes, so no chance for chatting. And after the last session you don't stay for a long time because you want to let the temple workers go home after a long day.

We're used to travelling together for a week or a weekend to the temple - that's a unity building experience because of all the things you do together while travelling and in the evenings. One session where you don't interact doesn't do that to us in the same sense. It does build love and unity with everyone who's there with you at the same time on a certain level of course. But it's different.

I am a former RSP but she most likely doesn't know that, having been in the Ward only for less than two years and I was a longer time ago.

My concern is that she might have an attitude that pushes sisters away rather than invites, because she might not understand how things go in this culture (being from a different culture). The situation was I brought my young woman to the baby sitting thing at the church (where, as last time, were only her children and us and the YW president both live 1 minute away from their home and the church is further away, it would be just easier to do the baby sitting at their home, but that's another issue). She asked if I was coming to the temple and I told I can't because there are so many things I need to do on Thursdays. I asked if there have been many sisters coming and she told only a few. Then I suggested that maybe rotating the days would get more sisters coming, because many may have set things on Thursdays. That's when she told that she wants to keep it a certain day and the sisters to make sure they don't schedule things for Thursdays but come to the temple. It seemed that she didn't understand that sometimes it's not up to you to schedule things. And that she felt that if sisters don't make this effort, it means they're not attending the temple at all.

I just know if it would have been some of the other sisters of the Ward in my place, (because I know many of them very well) they would have thought, fine, I'm not coming to the temple ever when you're organizing it. I also know others who would have been offended of the accusatory tone of you're not coming and if you're supposedly faithful, you will remove all the other things in your life to make sure you come.

I'm worried she'll push people away and also that she'll have a breakdown herself, carrying too big of a load with "sisters should do it this way".

But you're most likely right that it wouldn't go down well if I tried to explain more about why sisters might not come that specific day.

(I did say that we've had it for years with different presidencies and sometimes you get more sisters, sometimes less, that it hasn't worked that well ever - an attempt to help her not feel so bad about sisters attending...)


Patty Rain

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Re: Should I or should I not
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2017, 09:59:49 am »
It's possible you heard an accusatory tone when her tone was more one of concern. Even when people are from the same culture the same tone means a lot of different things to different people.

You have now told her about being flexible and why.  Just let it go.  Either she will learn or not.  There is always the possibility as well that she has specific sisters in mind that could make it that day if they want to. 

I specifically don't go to the temple on ward temple night.  I am ok with chatting on the way etc.  I do not want to chat while in the temple. 

But then I rarely go with my husband to the temple either, unless we are doing sealings. I always hear people saying it makes a great date, but I've found it to be a worse date than even going to a movie since you are rarely together.  Years ago we started going separately, in part because we could actually spend more time together that way. 
Time for a change.  I am yungmom, but have wanted a new username for some time.


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Re: Should I or should I not
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2017, 11:11:23 am »
I assume you raised your hand to sustain her when she was called (and even if you didn't, you still covenant to sustain her). So, that means you allow her to listen to the Spirit and succeed or fail. Sometimes her ideas and execution will be so inspired and other times, she will not be as inspired or perhaps inspired, but need to learn something. That's the hard part for those of us who are sustainers.

You gave her something to think about, but for whatever reason, she doesn't think it's right. Let it go. If you can't attend the temple night, then you don't need to make excuses or anything. And I'm sure you aren't, but there is no need to talk negatively to others about it. Perhaps this temple night is a failure that she needs to learn or perhaps it will help a sister. It's not your stewardship, so let it go.
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Re: Should I or should I not
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2017, 08:43:09 pm »
I always try to think that new leaders must have received specific inspiration on the point.   Or maybe they are simply trying out what worked for them.  Maybe that inspiration is so that one woman can more easily attend.  Often it is better to let it play out than to make another suggestion.

Personally, I happen to like the idea of a specific day and time (maybe two to accommodate those who can do day and those who might do evenings, rotated odd even months).   It is true that people who can simply keep the 3rd friday at 4-7 free have more chance them of getting there, spouses can arrange to be home early to wrestle kids, etc.   
Nauvoo 1270, Feb 2005


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Re: Should I or should I not
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2017, 12:49:19 pm »
I can understand the set "First Wednesday" sort of a thing....it can help busy people (and we are all busy) actually schedule a trip to the temple.  Perhaps the suggestions of carpooling and child care need to be addressed in ward council. 

  As Primary President, can't you suggest that the primary workers and leaders have a monthly alternating month temple day too???

It seems that I am always busy when my stake RS temple day comes around, but the state RSP puts it into the calendar and has all the ward RSPs announce it and also encourage the sisters to go at their own time frame. 
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