Welcome to New Nauvoo


Author Topic: Why do good people make bad choices?  (Read 109 times)

Jen

  • MembersOnly
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 305
  • Thanked: 418 times
  • Country: us
    • View Profile
Why do good people make bad choices?
« on: May 17, 2020, 01:24:24 pm »
I'm more than a little distraught this morning to learn that my brother has taken his horrible monster of a wife back. She abuses him in every way you can think of. Somehow she's convinced him to take her back, which he announced this morning on Facebook- I'm sure at her insistence and with her breathing over his shoulder.

He was so close this time. He moved out months ago and had good job opportunities elsewhere. Just a couple of weeks ago he told me it would be good to have space from her.
 
He knows it's going to go south and pretty soon she'll be hurting him again. Why?

 

pnr

  • MembersOnly
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 456
  • Thanked: 544 times
  • Country: us
    • View Profile
Re: Why do good people make bad choices?
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2020, 02:20:15 pm »
Because yesterday they met up and had sex and he knows that he's still susceptible to those wiles because he still loves her so it is better to remain married?

Because one or the other doesn't have an independent place and needs to quarantine somewhere and both believe that doing it together makes financial sense/is a sacrifice God would want them to make?

Because your bro is now healthy enough to want to give it one last chance because he doesn't think that he can move forward without being sure?

Because bro. thinks God told him to?

Pray for her too.

« Last Edit: May 18, 2020, 04:44:57 pm by pnr »
Nauvoo 1270, Feb 2005
 
The following users thanked this post: Jen

dyany

  • Administrator
  • Thousand Year Egg Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 1122
  • Thanked: 1472 times
  • Country: us
    • View Profile
    • My blog
Re: Why do good people make bad choices?
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2020, 11:15:51 am »
I see this ALL. THE. TIME. in my job.
It's because even though the abuse isn't the fault of the abusee, the abused STILL HAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM that NEEDS to be addressed. Otherwise they will keep returning to that sort of relationship--that specific relationship or something similar. Sometimes codependency, sometimes just a 'need to feel needed' or feeling unworthy of a better relationship, on and on.  If the abused person does not get the necessary therapy to heal the damage that attracts them (and makes them attractive) to abusers, they will keep going back and going back.
It does NOT make it their fault, same as having an immune disorder won't make it their fault if they get sick. But they have a responsibility to work on treating their own issues to heal as much as possible and prevent that sort of thing as much as possible.
 
The following users thanked this post: Jen, Iggy

cook

  • MembersOnly
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 503
  • Thanked: 531 times
  • Country: fi
    • View Profile
Re: Why do good people make bad choices?
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2020, 01:23:12 pm »
I have a very good friend who has been in a toxic relationship for almost 20 years. No physical abuse, but many issues. To everyone else it has been clear she should divorce. At times it has been clear to her too, but it has taken years for her to be in a point where she is actually capable to do it. Years of therapy and other things. Like Dyany said, in cases like this there are issues with the abused that simply makes it impossible to leave.

As an outsider what you can do is to be always there and never judge even though you disagree with the choices. They need the best of support you can give and that is unconditional love and acceptance, even if you are the voice of reason also and point out things that are not good for him. Support does not mean saying it's ok, but saying I stand with you regardless of your choice.

 
The following users thanked this post: Jen, Iggy

 


* Calendar

June 2020
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
1 [2] 3 4 5 6
7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30

No calendar events were found.

* Recent Posts

Re: Throw-together recipes by Roper
[Today at 09:49:12 pm]


Re: What's so good about it? by Roper
[Today at 04:18:45 pm]


Re: What's so good about it? by cook
[Today at 02:28:00 pm]


Re: What's so good about it? by JLM
[Today at 08:35:12 am]


Re: What's so good about it? by Enochscion
[Today at 03:49:26 am]


Re: What's so good about it? by JLM
[June 01, 2020, 10:07:18 am]


Re: What's so good about it? by Enochscion
[June 01, 2020, 06:12:09 am]


Re: What's so good about it? by pnr
[May 31, 2020, 03:04:06 pm]


Re: What's so good about it? by cook
[May 31, 2020, 12:45:13 pm]


Re: What's so good about it? by Roper
[May 31, 2020, 12:22:24 pm]


What's so good about it? by Enochscion
[May 31, 2020, 08:47:21 am]


Re: Cabin 2.0 by Curelom
[May 31, 2020, 04:25:47 am]


Re: A Modest Prediction by Curelom
[May 31, 2020, 04:10:51 am]


Re: COVID-19 by cook
[May 31, 2020, 01:40:02 am]


Re: COVID-19 by Redd
[May 30, 2020, 10:37:41 am]

* Top Posters

Roper Roper
1804 Posts
Curelom
1406 Posts
dyany dyany
1122 Posts
Taalcon
711 Posts
N3uroTypical N3uroTypical
646 Posts

* Board Statistics

  • stats Total Members: 115
  • stats Total Posts: 13836
  • stats Total Topics: 984
  • stats Total Categories: 8
  • stats Total Boards: 34
  • stats Most Online: 76

  • averages Average Posts: 11
  • averages Average Topics: 1
  • averages Average Members: 0
  • averages Average Online: 21

* Forum Staff

AndrewR_admin admin AndrewR_admin
Administrator
dyany admin dyany
Administrator
Roper admin Roper
Administrator
LMAshton admin LMAshton
Administrator
SimplePortal 2.3.7 © 2008-2020, SimplePortal