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Messages - dyany

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1
General Discussion / Re: Scenario Input
« on: January 13, 2018, 12:57:16 am »
I never said the boys have no culpability.  But to say that she has ZERO responsibility is also wrong.  There has been NOTHING in the information given to indicate in the least that the sex was not consensual, quite the opposite.  There may have been coercion, or the boys may have seen in her as an easy way to add to their tally sheet.  Yes, they may have more than even 50% culpability.  But the fact is, from what curlybat has said, she CHOSE to do this.  Unless there are key details kept from us (which wouldn't make sense, since curlybat has more reason to defend her than not), it was not rape except for the legal age of consent. 

It's is not an either/or.  Girls are not always just victims.  And curlybat's statement of "she nor apparently the boys understand the severity if what they have done" also indicates to me the decision was MUTUAL.  And the fact that she slept with TWO boys, not just one, also indicates a pattern on HER part. 

I believe that she is not completely psychologically (or morally) culpable because of the damage in her youth, and if there was undue coercion from the boys, that's not good either.  But to take away ALL her responsibility is to minimize or even dismiss her power and control in her own life and to damage her severely. 
I was offered beer when I was six.  I was invited to watch porn when I was 16.  In both cases, there was a lot of duress to comply.  In both cases, I refused.  Was the pressure for me to do those things wrong?  Yes.  But I STILL HAD CHOICES and because I had learned that I am responsible for my own choices, I had the strength to say no.  If culpability for mistakes had been taken away from me, I would not have learned that, and I would have had more internal damage and would have hated myself more than I already did.  Learning that I have the power and responsibility for my own choices has been absolutely key to my survival.
The following users thanked this post: Sparky

2
General Discussion / Re: Scenario Input
« on: January 12, 2018, 04:37:36 pm »
13 years old she cannot LEGALLY give consent.  But she is capable of making choices, consciously.  That is why we have the age of accountability in our church as 8, not 18. 

What I don't think people realize is that labeling a 13 year old girl as not responsible for her own choices is as objectifying and damaging as seeing her as a possession (which this sort of is, she is becoming a possession to be protected) or a sex object.  Is she FULLY capable of responsible, well-reasoned choices?  No.  But I know TONS of adults, most of whom are their own guardians (and thus legally responsible for themselves), who are also not fully capable of responsible, well-reasoned choices.
With power comes responsibility.  But the flip side is also true: with responsibility comes power.  Only when we are held responsible (at a reasonable level) for our own choices and actions, do we start to gain the strength and power necessary to grow and learn and be responsible adults. 
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton, cook, Sparky

3
General Discussion / Re: Scenario Input
« on: January 11, 2018, 01:37:24 am »
well, a 13 yo can't LEGALLY give consent, and her frontal cortex isn't well developed enough to be smart in her decision, but she could believe she gave consent, which complicates matters.
I would think it would depend on the boys.  If their families have an ounce of integrity, I would go to the parents.  because otherwise. it is possible (depending on the state) that the boys could be charged with statutory rape and put on a sex offender list for the rest of their life for what they thought was consensual sex.  Do I think they made a major mistake?  Yes.  But some states and their registry laws make no difference between that type of mistake and actual rape of a minor, which can destroy a person's life. 
But if the boys are serious problems in a lot of ways and their family seems to care very little or like their involvement would be ineffective, I would go to the police.
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton, curlybat, Sparky

4
General Discussion / Re: Work challenge: the rambling, endless overtalker
« on: January 10, 2018, 09:30:50 pm »
Theoretically, it's about setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.
But I have an aunt who, along with her 9 kids, never stops talking.  Like, literally, follow you to your car and keep talking to you as you smile and nod and get in the car and start it up and roll down the window while you keep smiling and nodding and slowly get out of the driveway and drive away and in your rear view mirror they are STILL TALKING TO YOU.
And no, it's not about anything important.
IOW, boundaries are easier said than done. 
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton, Jen, Sparky

5
General Discussion / Re: Grades in Elementary School
« on: January 08, 2018, 05:26:02 pm »
The only reason I can see this being remotely a good idea is that, quite often, when presented with complete failure, hopelessness sets in and people (not just kids) stop trying. 

But then again, many people stop trying more if they think they are skating by, too. 

Bah.  I wish parents were just better at THEIR jobs.
The following users thanked this post: Sparky

6
Mormon Life / Re: What to do
« on: January 08, 2018, 01:39:19 am »
I absolutely, positively would NOT talk to Bro. Card or recommend or try to set up any sort of meeting.  Period.  Personally, I would HATE it if someone I knew who liked me knew someone who hated me and tried to get us to 'talk.'  "Here, I know this person who hates you.  You really need to meet!"  No matter how well intentioned, I know that I have bad sides, and this person is already predisposed to find them.  To put Bro Card in that position would be, to me, naive and ultimately disastrous.
The following users thanked this post: ketchupqueen

7
Writers' Showcase / Re: Fan fiction
« on: December 13, 2017, 01:06:48 am »
I had that epiphany with segue (seg-way).  And I admit, there are things I think I'm smart for figuring out.  But most of the time I feel like I've been an idiot for not figuring it out before, and/or like everyone else must have known that.  The thing that I find different about the young fandoms is that they put themselves in echo chambers of similarly ignorant people (mostly because of stage and life and interests, not, I think, so much because they want an echo chamber), so they get too much reinforcement that they are the only ones figuring this stuff out.  It's an skewed feedback loop. 
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton

8
My take on the problem is this:
1.  I am quite positive that this baker would have had little to no problem selling to this couple, or the men individually, any other product.  They just didn't want to support them in this particular event.  That is different to me that full-on discrimination.
2.  Wedding cakes in no way shape or form are necessary, for anything.  Are they nice to have?  Yes.  But not necessary.  If this were a basic need like food, shelter, clothing, medical care, or anything else REMOTELY required for a decent life, then I would call this a problem.  But as it is, even if EVERY OTHER BAKER IN THE COUNTRY denied them this particular service, it wouldn't hurt them, aside from their feelings and their pride. 
3.  I completely agree with Roper and Justice Kennedy that being forced to make art under such circumstances is not cool.  In fact, considering the relative frivolity of the demand, I find the entire lawsuit appalling and do not in any way shape or form feel like the couple are in the right.

A similar circumstance: as an author, supposedly, I can write whatever I want.  We're anti censorship in the US, right?  But not really anymore.  Oh, you can insult and denigrate white men and religion all you want.  But there is increasing pressure towards 'diversity' in writing, to the point that I have in the last few months seen the following:
1.  Authors being told that they must have homosexual relationships in their books or else many mainstream publishers will not carry them.  Period.
2.  Boycotting of authors who don't include minorities in their books, researched out the wazoo and accurately but never negatively portrayed.
3.  The claim that white authors should never ever write minority characters, ever, that those characters can only be written by members of that particular ethnicity (though white characters are free game, of course).  Combined with #2, this is basically saying that white authors are bad and need to be cut out, because the books have to include diverse characters but straight, white authors (especially men) are not allowed to write them.
4.  The demand that, if a straight, white author includes any person of any minority, they must read a minimum of 100 books written by someone of that minority, no matter how small a part the character has in the book and how little their race matters to the storyline. 

So I have been working on a piece of speculative fiction set in modern-day New York City.  Originally, my MC (main character) was a female who was 1/4 black.  I did extensive research on her family's history (not so much the half Irish part, since people don't give a flip if the white culture or history is accurate) back THREE GENERATIONS and developed some great origin stories for the entire clan and, I believe, am being very respectful.  But in the end I have changed the character to Caucasian. Because just in asking questions and doing research I was already receiving so much flak for deigning to even think about writing a mixed-race character without reading dozens of books from her race (and if you can find 100 books written by an author and with a main character who is half Irish and 1/8 Trinidadian, 1/8 African American, more power to you), that it just wasn't worth it.  I have enough anxiety about the actual quality of the book that I can barely sit down and write at all in the best of circumstances.  Adding the vitriol that comes with anything having to do with race or sexuality, and you can just forget it.  Will it be too white?  You betcha.   But the alternative isn't really possible.
The following users thanked this post: Curelom

9
General Discussion / Re: Current Events - US Politics Edition
« on: December 01, 2017, 04:05:41 pm »
That, I agree with.  But unfortunately, our leader is at the same maturity level. :(
The following users thanked this post: Iggy, Roper

10
General Discussion / Re: Current Events - US Politics Edition
« on: November 30, 2017, 01:01:23 pm »
Going back a bit to Roper's comment about Kim Jong Un, being smart and being mentally imbalanced are in no way mutually exclusive.  'mentally imbalanced' means mentally ill, which can mean a plethora of things, usually involving inappropriate emotional reactions and/or delusions of some sort, but that doesn't have anything to do with being intelligent.  In this case, it makes him more scary.  Being mentally imbalanced means Kim Jong Un overreacts in a negative manner to input, possibly due to delusional ideas about his own importance or threats to his own safety (paranoia).  But that doesn't mean he's stupid.  He could be smart about grandstanding, making threats, and doing despicable things in a (so far, successful) effort to control the behavior of people and countries around him, even though the delusions upon which the smarts are based are not real.

The following users thanked this post: Roper

11
General Discussion / Re: Urgent advice needed
« on: November 27, 2017, 12:11:31 am »
Indeed, Roper, that's most of what I've seen.  Our society, unfortunately, has a very hyperbolic (and therefore inaccurate) view of abusers.  Things are rarely so black and white, and people are rarely so purely evil.
The following users thanked this post: Roper

12
General Discussion / Re: Urgent advice needed
« on: November 26, 2017, 12:04:06 pm »
But physical beating, hitting, choking, or other violence will invariably leave psychological traumas that don't show up as clearly, & it's inevitable even if an abuser claims they never intended that. :(

That's not so much psychological abuse as PTSD, and is a side effect of the physical abuse.  No, I'm talking about the gaslighting and verbal abuse that accompanies the physical abuse that makes the abused person afraid to leave, or think that it can't be that bad, or that they deserve it, or that this is the best they can get, or otherwise warp their thinking.  Very different, but still usually present with abusive relationships.  Emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships when the other physically abuses them.  But someone who has previous mental issues or has been psychologically beaten down will.
The following users thanked this post: Jen

13
General Discussion / Re: What are you watching?
« on: November 18, 2017, 11:03:28 am »
Saw Justice League last night.  It was better than most of the DC universe movies, I'd say 3/5 stars.  The Flash here is very different from the show's character, and while I like the show's character just fine, I like this one a LOT. 

This brings up a handy (okay, super duper cool) thing I found out about:
I was talking to my brother and he told me about this service he heard about on NPR called MoviePass.
  https://www.moviepass.com/ (scroll to the bottom of the page and plug in your zip code to find local theaters that participate.)
"You pay $9.95/month for movies in the theater every day," he said.
I bet my eyes narrowed to slits. "But just in dollar theaters, right?"
"No, I don't think so."
So I checked their website for what local theaters accepted it.
And almost EVERY theater in the Treasure Valley takes it. And definitely all the nice ones.
"This can't be right. It must not work on opening weekend."
"No, it works then."
"Then they must make you sign a contract."
"Nope."
"What is the catch?! THERE MUST BE A CATCH!"
My brother didn't know, so I poked and poked and poked around the website.
No 3D or IMAX movies. OK, I can handle that. No transferring to other people, OK. Only 1 movie a day.  You have to have an Android or iOS smartphone, no problem.  Kids under 18 can't do it...that would be a problem for many, but not for us (they are working on putting together a family plan). 
And that was it. I even read the full terms and conditions that nobody reads. The closest thing to a catch was that if you cancel, you can't re-up for 3 months. As catches go, that seemed really sub-par.
I still didn't believe it, but I thought, "the most I'd be out is the price of a regular movie ticket," so I signed up. My husband signed up, too.
The app is free and not glorious, but it does the job.
It took 10 full business days for our cards to arrive. You have to use the cards, and they look like Visa cards. The system got tracking when they were delivered, so it checked with us that they had arrived and activated the cards automagically, super duper easy.
We're still skeptical, though. This can't work. It's too good to be true. So we went to the theater and did the process. You open the app when you are within 100 feet of the theater and pick the movie you want to check in. This 'loads' the card for that theater, and you just buy the tickets with that card. Separate transaction for each ticket, but that was it. It worked FLAWLESSLY. Even on Justice League, which is a huge release that just came out TODAY.
I think I'm gonna watch Thor: Ragnarok 10 times in the next 12 days. You know. To test it out.
NOTE: right now they are having a sale: a full year for $89.95.  That's only $6.95/month and a small processing fee.  Which is awesome, but you have to pay for it all at once and you can only have 2 per household.  I don't think you can sign up to pay monthly (like we did) until this promotion is over.

I know it won't be helpful for everyone, but it more than paid for itself for this month last night alone.
The following users thanked this post: palmetto_gal, Roper

14
Writers' Showcase / Re: The anthology I'm in comes out in 3 weeks
« on: November 08, 2017, 01:16:12 am »
So, I received an email today showing the Amazon listing for the paperback.  The kindle version only shows 4 authors, but the paperback shows 16 (of the 50+).  Jodi put the authors in order of # of pages written, so the fact that I am #9 on the list is kind of awesome. :)  You can go here if you want to get a better look or even pre-order: http://a.co/4vo3MR1
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton, palmetto_gal, Iggy, Roper, Palmon

15
General Discussion / Re: What are you watching?
« on: November 03, 2017, 01:27:24 am »
Thor: Ragnarok. 

ALL. THE. AWESOME.

By far the best of the 3.  Marvel finally found its groove with the character, unleashing the funny.  And SOOOO fun!  Couple of points where I feel they pushed the tropes/gimmicks a little too hard, but for the most part, it was delightful!
The following users thanked this post: Scruffydog, Roper

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