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Messages - dyany

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General Discussion / Re: Abuse
« on: May 22, 2018, 09:27:29 pm »
Thank you, Jana.  That reminds me of some other things I've learned in this area.

1.  IT'S NOT A SIN TO BE BROKEN.  So what if you're flawed?  So what if you make mistakes in your marriage?  YOU CAN HEAL AND BE HEALED.  Sometimes the part of us that is broken is the part that wants to stay.  SO. FREAKING. WHAT.  Admit that part, own it, and DO SOMETHING to stop it.
2.  Some people say that divorce is 50/50 in the fault arena.  I'm sure that's true sometimes, but MOST of the time I would say it's not.  Now, along those same lines, it's almost never 100/0, either.  Again, and this adds on to #1, SO WHAT.  You can't control your spouse and their 90% of the problems, but you CAN control your 10% of the issues.  Don't use your 10% as an excuse to say it's 'partially your fault' like that's an obligation to stay.
3.  I wish all cases of abuse were as black-and-white clear like they are in the movies, with a practically satanic abuser, but they are not.  Sometimes abuse, especially the psychological kind, crops up only enough to make you wonder if it really qualifies as 'abuse.'  This is especially hard when you know the in-laws enough to know where the behavior comes from, and even WORSE if you can see them TRYING to change but not enough to completely stop hurting you (I've described this as going from cutting 4 inches deep to only  2.  It's better, but it still hurts). 
4. Sometimes the victims develop really bad coping skills to deal with the abuse (on top of the issues that put them and kept them in the abusive relationship in the first place).  These often damage the abuser, the abusee, the relationship, and everyone else involved.

Those last 2 are tricky situations that I don't have answers for, but I have personally observed. 
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton, Iggy, Roper

General Discussion / Re: Abuse
« on: May 21, 2018, 08:12:51 pm »
One of the biggest things I have learned about abusive relationships is that the abuser is never the only one that's screwed up.  Abusees always have issues that make them feel unworthy of love, make them think that being alone is worse than being mistreated, make them TERRIFIED of the grey unknown that is escape.  One of the main things that we are taught over and over and over again in my profession is that people need to be allowed to fail.  Unless they get the strength to take action--ANY action, even if that's getting help--they will never start to recognize the strength they not only have, but the power they MUST use to stand up for themselves and control their own lives.  We can't save them if they are unwilling to be saved.
The following users thanked this post: Iggy, Roper, Palmon

Forum and Member News / Re: Admiration and appreciation
« on: May 21, 2018, 08:04:42 pm »
Clicking 'thanks' on that isn't nearly enough.  Thank you so much, palmon.  I am too quick to think that I'm always on the edge of being unfriended for being annoying.  Thank you. 
The following users thanked this post: Palmon

Yanno, you can say no.  You can ask to be released.

I just asked to be released as ward historian this last week.  Not because it was too much time, but because I was getting ZERO support from a single ward leader, not even the bishopric member over me, which triggered some major anxiety attacks for me a few weeks ago.  I already have issues with people in positions of authority not doing their job, leaving me in a position holding too much responsibility for a task which it is then impossible to complete.  I am working on that, but in the meantime, a lying, ineffective bishopric member doesn't help.  So I asked to be released, and after I explained why to my bishop (via email), he apologized and said they would try to find someone else.

I think most people try.  But if you don't inform them of your limitations, or issues, THEY cannot do THEIR jobs as effectively.  Is it hard to do that?  Yes, it is, especially when we have a long-standing culture of "never say no."  But sometimes ward leaders simply screw up and if we simply sit there silently sucking it up, we bear at least part of the responsibility.  We're not the only ones supposed to learn and grow in the calling.
The following users thanked this post: Jen

General Discussion / Re: Urgent advice needed
« on: May 19, 2018, 05:15:38 pm »
If there is suspicion of abuse or neglect, then the school can initiate a call to CPS.

This doesn't seem like much, but it's HUGE.  When the family can't keep an eye out, most people avoid 'jumping to conclusions' when they see kids with bruises and such.  But if the school knows to keep an eye out, there is no other place with more exposure to the kids or better suited to see the signs, and just getting CPS called in is all anyone else could do anyway.  Plus, extra bonus: the school would be the 'bad guy,' not the family members.
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton, Roper

News of the Church / Re: Fake News Hoax and The Priesthood Ban
« on: May 18, 2018, 08:00:50 pm »
I read the fake site, and fell for it for a few minutes.  It was quite convincing, and convinced a number of my friends as well.  It made me super angry, because a) it looked VERY real, b) it sounded plausible in a hopeful way, but c) it included facts mixed with exaggerations and lies.  All designed to make the church's actual policies look pathetic and inadequate.  I'm still angry about it.
The following users thanked this post: curlybat

Youth in the Church / Re: youth activities?
« on: May 17, 2018, 11:23:03 am »
Agree with Roper.  When we did webelos just a couple of years ago, we tried to have den meetings once a month in the summer, but even that rarely had more than 1-2 (out of 5-6) in attendance, and sometimes NO ONE would come.  It wasn't always vacations, but families are doing stuff with their kids more locally during the summer and just didn't want to fit the cub meetings into their schedule during those months.
The following users thanked this post: Roper

General Discussion / Re: Free Range Parenting
« on: April 03, 2018, 10:30:10 pm »
Roper: I believe the nationwide statistics are that 1/4 girls will be sexually assaulted or molested at some point before they turn 18, so 1/5 is actually a little better.  Though it's horrible to contemplate. 

There are a lot of messed up things leading to these statistics.  Unfortunately, for the most part, we as a society are not doing a good job of shoring up the defenses and building up the families to prevent this, and are doing a really good job of piddling around and wringing our hands trying to mend the dam after it's broke. 

-Pornography needs to be stopped.  This is a HUGE factor in the rising rates of sexual abuse and other similar issues.
-Families need to be strengthened.  This includes, but is not limited to, understanding that raising children and running a household is a FULL TIME JOB and thinking that both parents must work outside the home for 'equality' (and enforcing that by making living on 1 income more and more impossible) and that minimum wage daycare workers can somehow fill the gap is very misguided and should be discouraged, not lauded. 
-We need to stop supporting the 'anything goes' culture.  We have WAY too much support for the ideas of thinks like 'gender is fluid' and that a 1st grader should be able to 'choose' their gender and undergo surgery with NO scientific evidence to even support that viewpoint, but people who speak sense against the hedonism are vilified, blacklisted, and destroyed. 
-We need to be able to talk about our bodies and natural actions and TEACH our children what is appropriate and how to defend themselves and who to report to, and then BELIEVE them (at least to the point of very thorough investigation) when they report something inappropriate.  And this goes with adults, too. 

I could go on, but this subject makes me really angry and I already need to calm down.
The following users thanked this post: Jana at Jade House, Roper, Sparky

General Discussion / Re: Free Range Parenting
« on: April 02, 2018, 08:02:25 pm »
It would be nice to know how much that statistic is affected by rates of a) reporting and b) being believed.  If those are higher, than the actual abuse rate may be lower.  I don't have any reason except hope that Utahans are better about reporting abuse and better about believing victims, but I still hope.
The following users thanked this post: Roper

Jen: I wasn't thinking the word 'wizard' but I was freaking out far more over the incredibly accurate prediction than I was about the announcement itself!
The following users thanked this post: Jen, Scruffydog

General Conference / Re: 2018 Saturday session
« on: March 31, 2018, 11:14:01 pm »
Hey, y'all, don't forget--we have a separate folder/group/whatever that is for discussion of each individual talk.  I am starting the various discussion threads with links to the videos for now and will edit them to include links to the text when they are available.
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton

General Conference / Re: 2018 Saturday session
« on: March 31, 2018, 11:06:28 pm »
I personally feel the EQ/HP merge was possibly more about re-establishing the importance of the office of high priest by making it less of an age-related thing.  I know a lot of people of questionable testimony who were ordained as high priests simply because they were 'of that age.'  I will admit, being one of the only older men still in elder's quorum would have to be uncomfortable, if not awkward.  The elimination of the separate quorums eliminates that social pressure factor, and hopefully will lead to eliminating some of the less appropriate ordinations.

This is just a speculation, of course, but it seems right.
The following users thanked this post: Roper

Mormon Life / Re: Mocktails?
« on: March 27, 2018, 12:24:09 pm »
Andrew, even your example is a world away from the OP activity.  No one in their right mind is going to think that a bunch of LDS youth at a youth activity are drinking alcohol, even if the youth use the term 'mocktail.'
The following users thanked this post: AndrewR

Mormon Life / Re: Mocktails?
« on: March 26, 2018, 03:57:57 pm »
There is a trend in Utah/Idaho of soda shops that do all sorts of creative soda mixes, and even a couple of chains of shops (like 'Sodalicious') that serve said concoctions.  I don't know a good name for them, but I suppose 'mocktail' might be a commonly used term for them, especially among the younger or more naive sets who might not realize that 'mocktail' actually refers to a drink specifically patterned after an alcoholic libation, sans alcohol. 

Personally, I am in love with dirty diet Dr Peppers (diet dp, coconut syrup, a splash of lime, and (in the variation I learned) some half-and-half or even cream), but there are lots of variations. 
The following users thanked this post: AndrewR, LMAshton, Roper

General Discussion / Re: Question about your talents
« on: March 09, 2018, 03:39:27 pm »
For me, the hard part isn't so much figuring out what they are, but recognizing the worth of them.  Too many of us, because we literally never really know a time without our talents, struggle to see them as special.  Some examples:
-people really feel comfortable talking to you, but you don't recognize you're doing anything different. 
-you are not tempted by sexually explicit images or ideas.  You may not see this as an unusual strength in yourself, but a weakness in others.
-you stand out in a crowd, and have a personality that people notice.  You see this as exposing and embarrassing, instead of a powerful tool for good. 
-you have the ability to focus on a task and just get it done, and don't understand or appreciate how rare and valuable that is. 
-you have had a lot of struggles, and keep on getting up.  You see this as nothing; as just something you were forced into.

I don't need to repeat that we all have talents, because the scriptures and prophets say it enough.  But these talents are given to us for our specific assignments, which may not be what we think they should be.  Some notes on that:
-belittling our talents as 'common' or 'anyone can do that' not only makes it difficult to magnify the talent and use it for good, but it can make others feel bad because this thing which is easy for you may be outrageously difficult for them.  Not to mention making us judgmental because others can't do the same things as easily.
-recognizing our talents can help us magnify them, note how they can be used for good, and help us to have empathy by recognizing not everyone has that skill.
-MOST talents do NOT make us leaders or 'stars.'  God doesn't need as many of those.  God needs good people who love and help others.  Remember the value of the One?  Our talent may only be designed to save one--but it may be the ONLY thing that could save that one.  And since that worth is INFINITE, we should never belittle it. 
The following users thanked this post: LMAshton, Jen, Roper

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