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Messages - dyany

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Writing Questions/Discussion / Re: Grammarly / copywriter
« on: November 11, 2017, 10:55:34 am »
That is so funny. I guess I should reread to see how spell check has changed what I write (or what I actually type.! Yes, I meant copyright.

My husband actually contacted Grammarly and they stated that no, they do not claim ownership of the the author's intellectual property.
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General Discussion / Re: Urgent advice needed
« on: November 09, 2017, 12:41:21 am »
Call your local domestic violence shelter and see if he can meet with them (probably off site at the library or something as most of the clientele are women and leary of men) to discuss his options.

I would advise him to call the police if she throws something at him or threatens him physically, or hits, and if she is violent in front of the children.   When the behavior is unrelated to substance abuse or mental health issues, being arrested sometimes brings the person to their senses.  But at the least she won't be released for overnight, and when she is, she will be ordered to stay away from him.   He has to do this to protect the kiddo who has been forced to witness the abuse: if he doesn't stand up, the child protection team may remove the child from him too.

If he doesn't think this will happen soon, then help him go to the courthouse where there is probably a worker helping people to get restraining orders, first they are temporary and will be served by police (who will also stay while she packs and leaves to keep the peace if he asks them to, but in a few days she will also able to appear and have her side  heard, so if he has any medical bills or photos of injury, or damage, or witnesses that will all be helpful and he should take them with him to the courthouse.  And he should seek protection for the children too, though if the adult child doesn't want him to include him or her, then he'll have to let that go. 

He can also record, though he needs to make it clear he his doing it:  often recording reins in the bad behavior, which presumably is what he wants.   

If his wife is a danger to himself or others (as in immediate threats), he can also call police and as them to involuntarily commit her for evaluation (max three days unless a court order).   If there is any evidence that this is a psychological thing, that may be the best choice.

He can authorize his child to live with someone else for a time if that child needs the escape and there is a safe place for him or her that allows him/her to still attend the same school. 

During that time, he should take the time to find and scan all the important papers, account numbers, tax returns, titles for the vehicles/deeds for the house, medical, and insurance, pension records, short records, credit card statements ,anything he might need.  Uploading it to a cloud account is the quickest safest thing, if it is an account she doesnt know about and cannot access.  (If it is on the family computer he may want to secure that, making sure his wife has another device she can use.)

He should talk with his employer's HR department because they need to know not to put her through to him, or assume her good will.  His boss will have to know too  (I regret to inform you that I'm really concerned about my wife and think you should not allow her at my place of work.  I'm getting help, but I may also need some time off while all tis gets sorted out."   And presumably the employee assistance program.  If  you ge tthe restraining order, be sure to provide a copy to your employer (and make sure you have put that address as a place she cannot be in your application for restraining order and it gets into the document itself).   

He can do all this by himself, but it would be a good thing if he contacts a family attorney and gets an idea of how this all will work, and also get access to a criminal attorney in case wife makes allegations against him.   Which brings up another really important thing:  he should NOT talk with anyone but the attorney and he should not admit to doing anything to her, if he has.  He must also tell the entire truth in all sworn documents.  He'll be nervous, tell him that is why he needs to be in touch with counsel, so that person can speak for him.  (It is common for abuse victims to accept all the blame and responsibility for everything, in ways that make it easy for the system and the abuser to make it look like they are the bad guy.  He needs to understand that when people are nervous they tend to talk and what they should do is simply say they are too discombobulated and shut up!!!)

And he should let his child's school guidance and principal know about the home situation and that child should not be forced to leave with mother, and if they leave with her, the school should call him, maybe an alternate phone number to call if he is not available.   A copy of the restraining order protecting the children should be given to the schools the kids attend, their workplaces (all of which should be part of the restraining order). 

He should also protect his bank accounts by putting his money in accounts she cannot get to, if she now has access and do this before he serves the restraining order.

He should also plan on giving her funds for a hotel when she is released from jail or when she is served restraining order or however much he is likely to have to pay for alimony if they get divorced.  That he should leave in their joint account monthly.   Whatever he does with his money, he should keep all receipts and records, because that will all be part of any property eventual property settlement if the marriage doesn't work out, and he will want to be sure to be scrupulously fair.  ,

If she is a joint user on any credit card, he should remove her as such.  Hopefully she has credit in her name, but before he removes her he can ask if they would give her a card of her own as he removes her from his accounts.   (He needs to know that he is only doing this to assure that she doesnt do something stupid --- if this is a mental illness, manic behavior can result in financial ruin for both.)   Another option would be to cancel all the accounts she has access to except one, and ask the card issuer to drop the credit limit to $2K or something that will mean she cannot do very much financial damage without maxing it out.

And he needs to find a counselor and start attending weekly, and go to a dr for a full physical.  In both places, he should tell the entire story and identify wounds and concerns and effects of what has happened.   He needs to  process everything.   He also needs to be sure his kiddos also get such therapy and medical exam. 

And he should also help both children do their FAFSA forms for college, and make sure not to forget to enroll in medical insurance by December 15, if if he is not covered.

He should not badmouth his wife to anyone, but he should talk fully and candidly to the counselor, and his doctor, (and the kids professionals)  and his bishop who each have the duty to preserve confidentiality.  And he should record his interaction with her so long as he tells her on the recording that she is doing so.

 It might be wise for him to tell his Inlaws as soon as he does the restraining order or when he he has her involuntarily committed, or arrested.  "IL, I am sorry to tell you that wife has been served with a restraining order/arrested/involuntarily committed because of threats and violence.  I thought you should know that I hope this can all be resolved without any more harm to anyone.  She's at ______________ and I have given them permission to speak with you, but she can override that if she wants to so I don't know if she will call.   When she is released, she will need to have somewhere else to stay while everything is worked out.  I intend to do my part to help this family get through this and to a better place."

He should not leave the family home.   If he is at risk there, though he can put a lock on a room in the home where he can safely sleep.   And if the house contains his weapons or hers, he can store them somewhere she doesn't know about.

I hope it goes well.

Oh, he'll also probably have to program his phone so he can keep all of her communications, and not have to deal with her while he is at work. 

And it would also be a good idea to tell your HTers something so they don't inadvertently hurt her or your children by taking whatever his wife says as gospel, without saying anything that makes them think less of his wife.

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Creative Corner / Re: Photography
« on: November 05, 2017, 07:24:07 pm »
Sarah-Grace at Halloween.
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General Discussion / Re: What are you watching?
« on: November 03, 2017, 03:48:06 am »
I thoroughly agree. Thor Ragnarok had me howling with laughter at times, and a bit of Led Zep carefully applied always goes down well.
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Writers' Showcase / Re: The anthology I'm in comes out in 3 weeks
« on: November 02, 2017, 01:02:13 am »
I followed the link above and registered for one of the preview copies.  Dyany, I mentioned that I had found Jodi through you.  My name was chosen and I received the .pdf version yesterday.  I just need to remember to bring a pack of paper with me to work to print it off.  Thanks for letting us know about the anthology. 
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Or if the sisters can stay humble without getting stroked & told what marvelous, saintly beings we are at the same intervals! :)
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Writers' Showcase / Re: The anthology I'm in comes out in 3 weeks
« on: October 27, 2017, 05:09:47 pm »
Here is a link for the sneak peek of the cover for the anthology Rise Above Depression. Congratulations, again, Dyany.

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Writers' Showcase / Re: The anthology I'm in comes out in 3 weeks
« on: October 26, 2017, 02:54:04 pm »
Congratulations! It sounds like your work will help a lot of people.
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Writers' Showcase / Re: The anthology I'm in comes out in 3 weeks
« on: October 26, 2017, 07:01:26 am »
Sounds like a fantastic publication. So happy for you!
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Writers' Showcase / Re: The anthology I'm in comes out in 3 weeks
« on: October 24, 2017, 11:01:45 pm »
I'm buying! Excited for you!
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Technical Talk / Re: Password help please
« on: October 16, 2017, 12:49:18 pm »
Thank you! 
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Book Club / Re: "Mockingbird" shot down
« on: October 15, 2017, 08:25:43 am »
It was pulled from release because it is a current important asset, and no one is going to vote for them to get an Oscar for  it now, and people will refuse to see it in the theaters.  So they are waiting until things cool off when it (and the little guys that you wonder about punishment) will get the attention it apparently deserves without the cloud that would tank it in todays world.
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Youth in the Church / Re: Welcome to the YSA (not what you thought)
« on: October 14, 2017, 10:40:48 am »
I made the mistake of saying "you" right after your post, Taalcon. And so I gave the impression it was directed at you, instead of being a general statement about the trend I've seen elsewhere:  People advocating for girls fully integrating in the BSA, but vehemently opposing the idea of boys in the Girl Scouts.  That doesn't make sense to me.  Anyway, thanks for your response and your thoughts.  I should probably use the southern "ya'll" when I want the inclusive plural and not the singular.  ;)

Although I liked scouting when I was growing up, and I served for 20 years as an adult leader in various scouting positions, I'm with Dyany. I like the direction the church is going with the new program for older boys.  I hope the church eventually expands the new program to younger boys and drops BSA as the "activity arm" for boys.  From my experience over the past ten years, there seems to be a lot of money, time, and work going into an external program which has increasingly fewer benefits for boys.
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Youth in the Church / Re: Welcome to the YSA (not what you thought)
« on: October 13, 2017, 06:57:59 pm »
If you're an advocate of girls having the added opportunity to join BSA, then you should also be an advocate of boys having the added opportunity to join Girl Scouts.  Equality is not exclusive.
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Forum and Member News / Life changes three
« on: October 12, 2017, 03:25:18 pm »
In a week's time my family and I are moving to Colorado.  We're going to be sad about leaving Wisconsin, but are excited about the move in general.  We've bought a house in Colorado but have yet to sell ours here, which makes me very nervous.  Other than that, I think we're about as prepared as we can be at this point.

My family lives in Boulder which is Northwest of Denver.  Sadly, because of the location of my office, we'll be living in Southeast Denver.  Or more accurately: Southeast of Denver, in a city called Parker.  I've drawn up the borders of the wards in the area and my gosh are they small!  There is a lot higher percentage Mormons where we're moving than where we're coming from.  Good and bad, I guess.  I found the name and phone number of our new Bishop and was going to send him an e-mail to say we're coming, but the Church doesn't seem to list Bishop e-mails anymore.  Despite not being on Facebook or willing to pay any money, it took me about 5 minutes to find out who he is (I think) including pictures of his family... super creepy.  Which I realized when I found this stuff so I decided not to try to contact him through that stuff.  Maybe I'll ask our clerk to move our records preemptively so that I can use the online directory to pull the information.

I've been released as YM counselor and SS teacher for the 16-18yos.  The former is a relief, the latter makes me sad, but I suppose it was going to be hard to do from a different state.  Probably time anyway, I think it's been about 4 years I've had that calling.  Now I just have to worry about what my new calling will be... :)

If anyone wants to buy a really nice, two-bedroom in Wisconsin: let me know!

[ETA: Emily remains the best ever]
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